Assertive or Humble – which demeanor brings the best results?
It depends, of course, on the situation. But it also depends on the culture.Psychologist Nalini Ambady of Tufts University headed a study that tracked brain activity in Japanese and American volunteers who were shown drawings of people in two different poses: a dominant pose (arms crossed, face forward) and a submissive pose (head down, shoulders hunched).
The results of the two groups were very different. The reward circuits of the volunteers' brains were most active when they saw the postures most highly valued in their respective cultures: dominant for Americans and submissive for Japanese.
So if the Japanese see a humble posture as most positive, what does this mean to Americans who want to build trust with the Japanese, but who are programmed to behave in an opposing manner? Here are eight easy ways to seem less arrogant and aggressive:
- Modify the perspective of comments and questions. For example, if you are of an equal or lower level, rather than saying, “Hey, have you got a minute?” say, “I’m sorry to bother you but…” In the first expression, there’s an implied self-focus: Have you got a minute (for ME)?
- Learn to be able to laugh at yourself. This is easy for Japanese who are taught that humility is a virtue and see it as trust-building. Even in the West, we often see the ability to laugh at ourselves as a sign of self-confidence, but many of us have a hard time doing it.
- Avoid physical “power” stances with arms crossed or hands on hips. A bigger-than-life personality can seem not just dominant, but domineering.
- Instead of trying to gain control over group thought, try to think of how you might harmonize with it.
- Rather than asserting, “I think we should…” change the wording to other-focused, “What do you think of…” This is similar to tip number one above but shows open flexibility rather than closed assertion.
- Try having “softer” eye contact rather than constant direct eye contact. What feels like strong, "engaged" eye contact to Westerners, can feel piercing to Japanese.
- Pause when speaking or before responding. This shows respect for the question or topic and therefore feels less arrogant to a Japanese.
- Avoid being loud. This can be interpreted as trying to assert dominance (as well as being boorish and unrefined).
Of course, every situation is different, but if you want a Japanese person to have a “pleasant,” positive opinion of you, and (by extension, feel you are trustworthy), consider adopting some of the above tips.
