Research consistently shows that the top reason people leave their jobs isn't related to compensation, benefits, or even opportunities for career growth: It is that they don't feel appreciated.
I've been writing about the Asian cultural concept of saving face, and how, when employed authentically, it can strengthen relationships and serve as cultural currency. But Giving Face can also help create a culture of respect and appreciation, one that can help you retain your best people - and get the best out of them.
One of my clients has recently had an experience that illustrates how crucial face can be to showing appreciation, building trust, and retaining your best talent.
A shift in perspective
Martha and Beth are colleagues and equal partners working on a strategy project for their company. Martha perceives Beth as not delivering on her end. She feels Beth expects her to do all the work. Martha says Beth holds meetings with others "just to build connections," but shows no tangible results from the meetings. In all, Martha suspects Beth doesn't know how to do the strategy work, but doesn't want to admit it. She says she is saving face for Beth and protecting her credibility.
From Beth's perspective, Martha is pushy, dominant, and not sensitive to others' wellbeing. In meetings, Martha asks questions, but her tone is harsh and condescending: "What are your priorities? What resources do you have? Can you get it done?" Beth feels like she's drowning, but Martha is not offering help or guidance. She feels Martha delivers on her goals by delegating tasks like dealing cards and hounding everyone for immediate results.
For Beth to feel respected and appreciated, Martha needs to shift her perspective, realizing that a more collaborative approach will lead to a more productive, positive working relationship. Martha's goal shouldn't be to win or "be right" - she should realize that she and Beth are working towards the same end goal.
I encouraged Martha to be a thought-partner to Beth, to frame the project's success as their success. Her communication approach shifted. Instead of asking questions like, "When will you get this done?" she emphasized collaboration, support, and a win/win for all: "What would be your top three priorities for Q2 that will bring a big win for you and your team?" "How can I support you?"
I also encouraged Martha to relate to Beth on a more human level, to show genuine interest in her life outside of work. This shift in communication style resulted in Beth feeling safer, less "underwater," and more appreciated. In these ways, Martha started to truly save face for Beth.
By Maya Hu-Chan
Originally published on INC.com
P.S. from Diana Rowland:
In our neuroscience research, we are reminded that when we feel threatened, whether physically or emotionally, a distress signal is sent throughout our bodies, and especially through parts of the brain. The more we feel threatened, the greater the intensity of the signal. This ultimately amounts to creating an impulse to fight or flee, and we become less able to utilize our prefrontal cortex, which deals with logic, empathy, and regulating social behavior.
The results? Impaired or inappropriate responses, an aggressive or defensive reaction, and a negative memory that is stronger and lasts longer than a positive one. Why longer? “Humans have evolved to focus on the negative. If we overlearn a bad situation, we’re more inclined to avoid those situations in the future or react more quickly.”1
As Maya says: a collaborative approach will lead to a more productive, positive working relationship. And, I might add, save you wasted time and energy to try to make things right again!
1Rick Hanson, Ph.D., author of Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence
